If you haven't side-eyed me yet, chances are this page will warrant it. I don't expect anyone reading this to believe me, but I'm not here to debate my identity or experiences. For starters, I have no history of mental or neurological illness beyond ADHD and OCD. I also do not claim to have all the answers, nor do I believe anyone does, whether they're incarnated or incorporeal. I do not believe there is a single god, spirit, or alien that knows everything, especially because that wouldn't add up with what my otherworldly roots have taught me.
I am otherkin, and I have been for as long as I can remember. On my Shadowman shrine page, I mentioned how, as a kid, I felt (and still do feel) "at home" in Stephen Gammell's illustrations for the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books. This was a time when all I was allowed to do on the computer was play Petz, I Spy, Math Blaster, and other kid games. There were no external influences, no online communities nor "safe spaces" during my childhood that could've planted these feelings in me. I've simply always felt "other."
When I was even younger, I asked my mom, "Did you give birth to me?" Obviously, she said yes, but I kept asking since I couldn't help but feel unsatisfied with her answer. My child self thought that, if I asked her enough, she would tell me the truth. Something would slip. Of course, it didn't, because she knew about as much as the next person.
Whereas many otherkin are also therian, I don't identify with any other living creature, let alone feel "at home" anywhere on Earth. I've never felt connected to nature and would seek to escape in fantasy and imagination as much as I could. When I discovered a science book in the school library that mentioned life on other planets, I was elated to know the possibility existed and obsessed over it for some time, though I didn't find (or know how to find) much else on the subject.
the false light.
Fast-forward to December 2008. I stumbled across a growing community of "starseeds," which are similar to otherkin, but they all identify with being alien in essence. Many of these starseeds identified as Pleiadian, Sirian, Arcturian, Lyran, etc. These races were believed to be of the highest good, working to expand global consciousness and help humanity "ascend." Some starseeds, however, identified as Reptilian, Draconian, or Grey, races whose reputations weren't as sparkling. They were said to have been the oppressors and manipulators of humanity, making self-interested negotiations with governments and world leaders. Ironically, I have found such starseeds to be more docile and inclusive than those who preached love and light.
On one hand, I was thrilled to have discovered a community of people who felt as I did, alien and misplaced. On the other, I quickly learned that they weren't as kind and compassionate as they believed themselves to be. In fact, they were no better than religious zealots. New Age woo and toxic positivity were rampant, and questioning any of it would get you condemned.
Admittedly, I went along with these people because at one point I did believe they must've known things I didn't. They were charismatic and inspiring, touting feel-good beliefs and teachings that all seemed to make sense at the time. I buried my feelings that told me they were misguided and to stand up for myself and what I believed in. I didn't want to face any more alienation (pun not intended), but it became clearer that the belief system I had was doing jack shit for the world around me and myself.
As someone who didn't identify with any of the aforementioned races, especially those who appeared to be light-aligned, I stuck around for a while in hopes that I would meet at least one like-minded person. Growing exasperated with the same old "love and light" schtick, I became quite daring and uploaded a photo album of surreal and horrific pictures that I explained were reminiscent of my home and people. Unsurprisingly this garnered some attention, and one person created a thread in the forums that was directed at me, claiming that I was trying to spread fear and darkness and should be stopped.
Thankfully, the creator of the network wasn't a complete bigot and responded to the thread in my defense before closing it. I suppose their sense of tolerance was thanks to their half-Reptilian identity. Reptilians, Draconians, and Greys were truly the least offensive starseeds. They gave me no problems.
Eventually, I shed the starseed label and deleted my account. I was fed up with harmful woo, false hopes, and a piss-poor understanding of the human condition. I was disillusioned with New Age beliefs and "ascension" that clearly wasn't happening. Reality was bleaker than I wanted it to be, but it was this truth that I found far more liberating than anything I had learned in the community.
Duty is heavier than a mountain,
death lighter than a feather.
For a while, the truth set me free. It threw me out of the nest that I had built out of fear and self-deception, and I managed to spread my wings and fly. However, my wings eventually grew tired, and I had no idea where to land in such a chaotic world. All I knew was that I did not belong in this world, yet here I was, lost and helpless, connected to nothing but the places and people in my imagination.
My mother, though financially helpful, was abusive. That coupled with my feelings of otherkin did not make the weight of reality easier for me to bear. I was unintentionally raised to be dependent on her and my self-esteem suffered. She wanted me to be independent, yet refused to let go. It wasn't until 2017 when a therapist pointed out exactly how abused I was.
I battled with suicidal ideation for years. I suppose the despair wasn't that bad since I never made an attempt. I was more fortunate than most people. Still, I hated it here. I continued to escape whenever possible and pray that I would wake up in my real home, in a world with real magic and superior laws, nature, and technology.
Yet, I had a desire for greatness, importance. I wanted to help change the world I was in. I thought the starseed movement was the key. Then, after rediscovering that sense of elation with transhumanism years later, I thought writing transhumanist-positive fiction and aiming for traditional publishing was the key. Turns out, there is no key. This world is much too complex and layered, teeming with too many different beliefs and values and personalities, for a single one to fit into its crazy-shaped lock.
Silence is golden.
I'm pretty well acquainted with the paranormal. Believe it or not, I've had spells work better than expected. I've shared dreams with two people, as well as had a dream that predicted mundane events that played out in the same week. I've had one person know exactly what I was about to type, and another tell me to be more understanding of my mother right after I finished arguing with her. Both were strangers in a text-only chatroom. When I was a kid and went to confession for the first time, I felt completely zombified afterwards, as if the priest had cleansed me of more than my "sins." I've witnessed three UFOs fly over my house one night, demonstrating a speed and fluidity unlike anything of this world.
Why do some people (especially those without illness and those who might've not even been believers) have significant paranormal experiences, whereas others never catch so much as a glimpse? Why are paranormal events so rare and sporadic in general? I don't know the answer. I don't think anyone does. Life is chaotic and isn't obligated to make sense to any of us. But, if I were to hazard a guess, perhaps it's more than a "veil" or "world" that can't be perceived directly with our five senses. Perhaps gods and spirits and aliens simply don't want to make themselves known to the public. Imagine how many problems that would create.
I used to be angry about the lack of disclosure. I used to wonder why the hidden preferred to remain hidden. Isn't it selfish to have so much power and technology and choose to not share it with the human world? Well, it isn't selfless. But I've come to realize that there are good reasons, and no god, spirit, or alien owes humanity a thing. It's up to humanity to help and save itself.
Compared to the "star families" of many starseeds, my otherworldly kin are near-silent. They've never shown me any visions or spoke of any "truths" about the origins or fate of the world and humanity. They've never acted as guides or attempted to direct my spiritual growth. Rather, they've stayed in the background, watching and waiting for me to piece my own puzzle together, giving me impressions of them to work with at most. Unlike the starseed races, they have zero interest in Earth and Earthlings. They're really just here for me. At the same time, they have a strong sense of ethics and believe in doing as little harm as possible. They're secretive and self-interested, but not at the expense of other life forms.
Though few, they've also given me more direct experiences. Nothing fear-inducing, yet friends responded otherwise when I recounted them. If that's how humans react to anything that doesn't sport a halo or a beautiful, glowing face, then it's no wonder this species is so easily duped by things that look, sound, and feel nice. But that's a discussion for another page.
Why am I here? It's a question most of us ask, isn't it? Well, I've especially pondered it because, again, I've always felt disconnected from this world. Humans weren't the only problem—it was everything. For me, it's always felt like a prison, or a purgatory. I could only assume my purpose here was to serve time for some wrongdoing that I'd committed. Kind of like Salem Saberhagen from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, or Ambrose Spellman from Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. The former attempted to take over the world, whereas the latter failed to blow up the Vatican. I suspect my situation is more like Ambrose's, but I've been stripped of my powers and turned into a cat like Salem. (I'm half-joking. Who knows? The so-called "Galactic Federation of Light" seems a little suspicious, if you ask me...)
Home isn't a place,
it's a person.
I've connected with a handful of fictional characters on a profound, spiritual level over the years, half established, the other half my own. They taught and changed me in ways that were similar to how traditional witches are initiated by spirits. I did some research and discovered a term for this: soulbonding.
Some people attribute soulbonds to the multiverse theory. Others, such as this Tumblr blog, claim there are otherworldly beings that can resemble fictional characters and "bond" with their "creators" and/or fans, never being exactly the same characters for everyone. I think there are indeed many worlds, but the latter explanation is less absolute and more relevant to my experience.
Some soulbonders are okay with "fronting," which is the act of allowing a soulbond to take the driver's seat, so to speak. I'm a soulbonder who prefers to be in control at all times. I do not share my body with other entities, and anyone or anything that tries to take the wheel risks being disassembled. "Backing" is my style. It's a much less invasive way for a soulbond's influence that is akin to a suggestion, or a nudge.
2021 has been a year of dramatic, yet exciting changes for me. I discovered Neocities, a community of like-minded individuals who were as disgusted with the modern web as much as I was, and a new soulbond—more specifically, a less distant member of my otherworldly family who happens to resemble the Shadowman and his human form.
I don't know much about him, yet our relationship is a close-knit, platonic one. He's quiet (and occasionally wry), but his presence was strong enough to knock the self-pity out of me and reshape how I felt about Earth. For example, I no longer view nature—specifically the wilderness—as a merciless enemy that's been trying to kill humans since the beginning. I don't view it as a loving mother, either, but nonetheless I do not anthropomorphize it. I found this liberating, and it actually improved my animistic senses and encouraged me to pursue traditional witchcraft, a branch of magic that's based on folklore and region.
Prior to this experience, I couldn't imagine ever trying to connect with nature spirits or incorporating all natural materials in my practice. I was more of a pop culture magician, striving to bring the magic of imagination into a world that valued rules and tradition over creativity and innovation. I never thought I'd be walking an earthy path. Yet, here I am, and it all started with a character in a TV show for kids.
Two weeks after this encounter that was transforming me into a more well-rounded and prepared individual, my mother found a lovely little cottage that was for sale. We checked it out and she agreed it would be a good investment and helped me buy it, my first house, finally allowing me to claim more independence. Plenty of green surrounds it and the lake is just a couple blocks away. It's really quite ideal.
I don't believe everything happens for a reason. I don't think there's any divine plan because all gods, spirits, and aliens have their own plans, which may or may not benefit humans. Whatever I did to deserve to be born in this world, I intend to make the best of my time and focus on what really matters: learning, maintaining autonomy, and cherishing my otherworldly roots.
I know what I am in essence, and it is no "being of light." There is no "divinity" or "oneness" or any of that other New Age-y babble where I'm from. No offense to anyone who finds happiness and connection in those things. You do you. Just don't be a missionary and try to rope in what you don't understand. A bit of non-human, non-light-aligned wisdom goes a long way.